Jehovah Jireh.

So many things I want to write. But so many things needed to filter. If only I could fully express my joy and happiness onto this tumblr. 

Thank You Papa for this joy. 

Gunshots

Almost every night the past two weeks, I’ve been having dreams where I get shot. The three that I remember:

1. This person was crazy angry, started shooting everyone. Then started shooting me with a machine gun but apparently I was invincible so I just had a million bullet holes in my body and no blood. I pretended I was dead but he came over to check if I was still breathing and saw that I was so he kept shooting.

2. The house I was living in was under attack by a mob. I tried to save everyone in that house and this guy started shooting at me. I tried to do the matrix thing and clearly did not work. Got shot on the shoulder. 

3. A friend shot me twice in my hips and the bullet just stayed in my body. 

I don’t know what’s going on with my thoughts. Maybe all the tiredness and stress is taking a toll on me psychologically. But what I know right now is I am tired. I am tired of life. I just want to run away from the world for a few days and then come back. I don’t want to have to think about anything, worry about anything and just do nothing. No more shooting dreams please…

“Woe to me if I do not preach the Gospel!”

What a powerful phrase. Woe to me, woe to me. 

21

I cried like a baby the last hour of my birthday. I am feeling so thankful, so loved, and sooo unworthy. I’m not worth all the “happy birthdays”, the cards, gifts, cakes, and the love. I really don’t deserve it and yet here I am, crying because I’m just so…in awe. I’m reminded how much the Lord loves me and how ridiculously blessed I am. There I was, the past few months complaining to the Lord how lonely I felt and complaining about just about everything, saying “Do You really love me?” and I can’t believe I even questioned that. 
How can a God so holy love such a sinner like me?
How can a God that owns the whole world, has a billion sons and daughters that are better than me, love me? 

While reading through the cards, emails, and texts I’ve received, I was reminded of all that He has done in my life the past 21 years. His fingerprints are all over and it’s really nothing that i’ve done. I am only who I am today because of what He’s done for me on that Cross. I am indeed redeemed only through Christ. 

Thank you to those that were a part of my 21 years of life. It’s definitely not easy loving someone like me but thank you so much for showering me with grace and love. I am truly so thankful for every single person and pray that you’d continue to walk this journey and grow with me for the rest of eternity. 

But most importantly, thank You. For loving me, in the worst and best of times, for knowing every thought and everything within my heart. For being my rock and my comfort, for being so faithful to me even when I fail. You were there for me even when I couldn’t see you and I thank You for never letting go. Thank You, Jesus, for loving me, bearing all of my sins… just so I don’t have to. 

So I will praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I will praise You because You first loved me. 
You call me Your beloved, Your daughter, and the apple of Your eyes. 
Lord, I am truly amazed by You. Continue to captivate me, reveal more of Yourself to me as I walk with You. 21 years. The rest of my life will be lived for Your glory, and Your glory alone, Lord. Take me, mold me, use me, in whatever ways You desire and may I find my joy in You, and You alone. Lord, I love You.

I love You. 

Beatitudes

I recently started rereading through the new testament and while reading through the Beatitudes, I am just getting owned. I’m getting owned but my heart is being tenderized at the same time. 

Ah, forgive me Lord. Tenderize my heart. 

Dreams

When my dad was young, maybe like 17-18 years old, he really wanted to be a singer. But being poor at the time, he didn’t have enough money to pay for the recording fees, etc (I don’t actually know the details). Soon after, he met my mom, pursued her, ran away with her, got married, had three kids, and boom, now he’s here. 

A few months ago, my dad came back from Korea after attending his high school/middle school(?) reunion. He was sharing how they had karaoke, he sang, and received compliments on how well he sang. People were saying to him “you’re better than the singers now!” So with that, he took up on his friends offer, went to a recording studio, and recorded a few covers of him singing. He said he wanted to go back, pay someone for an original song, and try to debut as a singer. He’s 58.

Right now, my dad’s currently in Korea, probably recording a song somewhere, fulfilling his dreams of becoming a singer. At the time, he said it would cost him around $8,000 to pay someone for a song and I remember immediately going, “What.. are you serious? Why in the world would you waste money like that..” And my mom said, “It’s always been his dream.” 

That’s when it hit me. My dad’s 58 and he’s going after his dreams. My 20 year old self thinks it’s too late to go after my dreams but here’s my 58 year old dad owning me and proving me wrong. Regardless if he makes it or not, he’s giving it a shot. Dreams and passions are God given. Even 40 years down the line, they’re still there and still will be. My dad is living proof that it’s never too late. I can’t quite say that dreams are meant to be achieved but it’s absolutely worth a try. It’s a reflection of the heart and a matter of how we use those dreams in glorifying the One who gave them to us. 

It’s a risk, it’s a huge step, but it’s never too late. 
Who knows, maybe in a few years, I’ll see my dad singing on tv. 

Struggling.
Wrestling.
Ranting.
And complaining to the Lord.
I’m like a disobedient child, who throws tantrums at my Father because it’s not what I want.
Take this disobedient heart, tenderize it, and mold it into Yours.

“I love you, Alice.”

I fall so short. One phrase I keep repeating over and over again: I fall so short. I fall so short of the glory of God. I am undeserving, unworthy, unfaithful, so many “un’s”. It still mind boggles me how the Lord has made me who I am. How a God so glorious, so beautiful, so mighty can and wants to use a dirty, sinner like me. I fall so short. I don’t deserve to be who I am and where I am, and granted there’s much much more work to be done but Lord, how gracious are You. The amount of grace You pour into my life… I just don’t understand. But thank You. Thank You for redeeming me on that Cross, for saying “I love you Alice” on that Cross. I fall so short but You love me anyway. I love You, I love You, I love You.
I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. Let me declare that all the days of my life.